Jessica Grose on the Unsustainable Pressure of American Motherhood

A podcast deep dive into the ways cultural ideals of motherhood are uniquely absurd, with New York Times opinion writer Jessica Grose.

Motherhood is an image, sold to us, about what it’s supposed to look like and feel like. But is the ideal imagery of motherhood true? Or is the picture above laughably far from the truth? And if so, why do we keep selling this image and idea?

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“The media loves to blame mothers and make them feel terrible about themselves. It’s so much less work to blame mothers [than solve the problem].” — Jessica Grose.

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Jessica Grose is no stranger to the unsustainable pressures of American motherhood, which expect women to do it all—the family, the picture-perfect household, the rearing of children, and also a nonstop career—and to do it all at one time. 

Jessica is an opinion writer and journalist for The New York Times, a three-time author, and a wife and mother of two. Her first nonfiction book “Screaming on the Inside: The Unsustainability of American Motherhood” is out December 6, 2022. In the book, Jessica dives into the historical background of the unattainable pressures placed on mothers today. She joins me on Episode #201 of The Startup Parent Podcast to dig into the “ideal mother” fantasy and the history of outsized expectations placed on mothers across the centuries.

Take a listen to this deep-dive into the historical roots on the pressures mothers face, and why it’s so much easier (and cheaper!) to blame mothers for society’s ills than to take an honest look at what’s happening. Full show notes, quotes, and more below.

Why does the role of motherhood feel just out of reach?

For centuries, mothers have been expected to perform a role, and to live up to an ever-changing set of ideals that always feel out of grasp. Today, mothers are expected to be perfect across all areas of life: the sole childcare providers to their kids, devoted wives and housekeepers, goddesses of the domestic realm, and of course, completely ambitious and driven employees. 

Since the earliest days of America and before, the “ideal mother” fantasy has been a “vision of someone who is completely self-sacrificing, doing everything at home,” and that vision has never really gone away, she explains. “We just added more things on top of that.”

IN THIS EPISODE

In the episode, we cover:

• The “Ideal Mother” concept. She looks at the historical roots of social ideas around motherhood, from the early colonial periods through the centuries up through today.

• Why we ignore the very real, very hard work of mothers. We examine how the work of motherhood and the ideal image of motherhood has remained consistent over time, in the sense that mothers’ contributions are always “insincerely praised, ignored, or actively demonized.”

• The idea of the “self-sacrificing mother,” that has to put everyone before herself, because if you don’t, you are transgressing in a major way.

• How the role and scope of mothering has changed in really interesting ways, even if the underpinning philosophy is stuck— For example, the education of children used to be in the father’s realm, but then when it became part of the motherhood realm, it became even easier to blame mothers for all things gone awry, specifically the raising of children.

• Why the idea of a fight between SAHM “stay at home mothers” and “working moms” is a falsehood — it’s actually not possible to pit these two people against each other, because of a very important fact about who these moms are.

• How not to fall into despair about the pace of social change – I ask Jessica if she feels hopeless or angry or frustrated that this seems to be stuck, and she talks about the media’s role in ignoring big changes that are happening all over, and why that gives her reason for hope (even though she rages just like the rest of us.)

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KEY IDEAS

Takeaways from this episode

📌 Women face challenges in the workforce that threaten to erase their individuality.

Working mothers are expected to be perfect: perfectly doting and attentive mothers and perfect employees who don’t have a life outside of work. There is an extreme pressure on American mothers to master all aspects of their lives and do so while looking the way society wants — dressing a certain way, talking a certain way, behaving a certain way. These unrealistic expectations erode women’s individuality and personhood outside of the workforce.

📌 History shows us that women’s roles have accumulated rather than changed.

During colonial times, both mothers and fathers were involved in the children’s upbringing. The Industrial Revolution saw the divide between public and private lives: the father was the public, working figure and the mother stayed home with the children in the domestic space. “In the 20th century, women obviously flooded into the workplace, mid-century and up till today,” Jessica says. “So, that ideal mother vision of someone who is completely self-sacrificing, doing everything at home, that never really went away. We just added more things on top of that.”

📌 Parents, especially mothers, are screaming for change.

The desire for free childcare, paid maternity and family leave and better work environments is not something new. In fact, Jessica has been closely following these state-level changes for a decade, and the trends show incremental, pivotal change happening. She predicts more positive change will happen as younger generations enter the workforce. “I think attitudinally we are going to see a lot more change in the next 10 or 20 years as Gen X and millennials become leaders in major companies,” she says. “The people who tend to be the heads of companies now are men in their fifties and sixties, who probably were never the primary caretakers for children. So they don’t even have awareness of the lives of most of the people who work for them. They just can’t empathize on a deep enough level to change policies.”

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“There is an extreme pressure on American mothers to master all aspects of their lives and do so while looking the way society wants — dressing a certain way, talking a certain way, behaving a certain way.” – Jessica Grose

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QUOTES FROM THE EPISODE

Excerpts from the transcript of the conversation

[12:12] Jessica: “A lot of the expectations of mothers feel completely ridiculous and contradictory because there’s absolutely no way that one human being can be all of the things all of the time.”

“There is an extreme pressure on American mothers to master all aspects of their lives and do so while looking the way society wants — dressing a certain way, talking a certain way, behaving a certain way.” – Jessica Grose

[25:58] Jessica: “Political and institutional change just takes a lot of time. As I talk a lot about in the book, the systems were built for dads to work and for moms to stay home and for heterosexual couples in a nuclear family. So I don’t think that the systems are going to get dismantled, but it’s going to take time for them to acknowledge the fact that the vast majority of people don’t live that way.”

[49:06] Jessica: “In terms of goals, in an ideal world, I would be able to change some people’s minds. I would be able to make arguments not just for people who agree with me but be able to inspire people who don’t agree with me, to change their position, or at least consider a position that they don’t already agree with.” 

EPISODE SPONSOR: OATH CARE

Shout out to Oath Care, our episode sponsor!

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